we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Come see our sink grown plant.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
