Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
