I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
