Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
