I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
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