No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
