i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
