my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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