thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
