I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
