Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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