Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
