I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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