remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
