I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.