My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?