I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
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Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
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You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.