just come out here and I will go home with you...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.