p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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