This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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