Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
