I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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