your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
