Only a mothe r could love this liver
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
