why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
