I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
