Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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