I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
