I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
