so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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