I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
