Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
