I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
