Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
