Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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