sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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