you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
