i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
