You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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