He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
