To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
