my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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