i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
