I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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