dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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