Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
