I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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