How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
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We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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