i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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