If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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