You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
