I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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