Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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