A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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